January has been a month...for sure. A long, excruciating month that has felt more like a year than anything else to be honest. It's still hard to process everything that's happened in these last 22 days.
On January 2nd at 1:36 am my mom got a phone call that changed our world. Within minutes my mom and dad were gone to my grandparents and I followed after. At 1:51 am it became clear that my Grandfather was dead. He was gone before my parents arrived less than five minutes after my grandmother called. He was gone before she even made that phone call.
I can remember every detail of that night. I can remember that just hours before I had bought a small bottle of wine to experiment with. And that by the time we got the call I'd drank half of and was feeling rather giddy. I remember walking into my grandparents house, and the smells that assaulted me, and the sounds of my mom and grandmother sobbing while my dad performed CPR.
I remember the wails of my sister when I woke her up to tell her the news. I can still hear her voice begging me to tell her something different.
I remember standing outside in the cold beside my brother, unable to breath and getting sick, because the life we had known was now different and my much loved grandfather was gone. I asked my brother to drive me home that night. And then when he left, and I was alone, I sobbed, and I screamed at God, because it wasn't fair.
The next few days were filled with drama and tears. I worked the day after he died, and cried through my shift...but I would have went insane had I stayed home. There were so many decisions to be made and my mom had to make them all. There was fighting and family members acting like idiots, and so much hurt.
The funeral was beautiful. My mom spoke, as did my uncle. When we arrived at the cemetery the honor guard was there, and it was an amazing thing, because we hadn't been sure if they would be there or not. My grandfather served in the navy in the Korean war. I watched as the two officers folded the flag that lay ontop of the plain and simple casket. And I will never forget the tears in the petty officers eyes, and he will never truly know how much that touched my broken heart. He didn't know my grandfather, but he felt our pain, was willing to feel our pain.
My grandfather was 83 years old, and up until the night he died, he was completely healthy and still very active. His death was a shock to us all. He left behind a wife, 3 children, 9 grandchildren and 14 great grandchildren.
The Monday after the funeral I moved in with my grandmother. She's never lived alone in all her life. This has been a devastating event for her. And a huge sacrifice for me. I'm exhausted, ill, and walking a thin edge. Because I don't yet have a room, or privacy and I'm sleeping on a couch that makes my hip and back hurt so much that I often cry. But I know I've made the right decision.
In the midst of all of this pain and transition and darkness, there had been a surprising new light in my life. Elfy. We've been friends for years...but something new has developed between us, and without him in these past few weeks, I'm not sure I couldn't have made it through. I won't say I love him...yet...but I do care very deeply for him. And he feels the same. There are a lot of obstacles for us though... and our relationship is a secret on both sides.
My parents would never approve. He's a bisexual atheist, and that's just to start. But I don't care, all I know is that he's made me feel safe, and loved and cared for in a way that no one has ever done before. He calls me and just lets me cry, he doesn't tell me it's silly, he tells me that I'm strong enough and that he's there for me. In six months we're both running away from our lives for a weekend just us two...and I have never been more sure about doing this....
So yeah...January has been a month...for sure. The new year has started off in tragedy, and I hope that it does not continue in that way.
Thanks for reading...I just needed to write all of this, to help process and think.