So yeah...I haven't updated here in a while. School has been crazy and I've never been so busy in my life! (I may be going insane
to be honest)
But really I just wanted to write about my baby.
I knew Tuesday was going to be a bad day. I woke up at 7am like normal, and I went to the closet to get dressed and I just stood there, staring blankly. I just felt...heavy. And I decided that I just wasn't going to do classes that day, so I went back to bed. I woke up around 12:30 and went to my desk and that's when my phone dinged and told me I had a voicemail from my mom. I listened to it and I could hear the tears in her voice. We have really really bad cell signal inside, so I had to go outside to call her back and I hadn't even put on a bra yet. (so rare for me). That's when she told me that she and my dad had to rush Ruby to the vet this morning because she'd just stopped breathing. I had to make her stop and tell me if Ruby was even okay...she was alive at that point and the vet was doing what she could.
There was fluid build up around Ruby's heart and lungs, so they were giving her meds to help get rid of it. Kind of how they do with us. So my mom told me that they would have to call the vet back to find out later what would happen next.
Ruby had a blowout in her lung. And she had a lot of cancer that we didn't know about...despite having taken her to the vet less than a year ago to check for exactly that. "No hope, won't make it through the night, postponing the inevitable." were the words the vet used.
My mom brought Ruby home and I got to see her and talk to her on Facetime at around 6:30, then I had to get ready for my evening class. Less than 3 hours later my baby was gone.
She's gone. It doesn't even seem real to me. How can she be gone? She had been such a huge part of my life for the past twelve years...how, within the space of one day, can she just be...gone? But she is. And it's hitting hard right now. One of the things I was looking forward to the most when I go home in three weeks was snuggling and holding my baby. But she's gone and I can't do that. I don't know what to do. All I know is that I hurt...so much right now. I wasn't able to be there to say goodbye, I couldn't hold her as she died. And the worst thing is that I know...in three weeks when I get to go home that it's going to be 100x worse because then it will be real. Ruby won't be there to chase the bugs that scare me, or beg for hotdogs, or wake me up far to early because she has to go outside. She won't be there for me as I cry and mourn.
I love school, and I've made a lot of friends here and I'm part of an amazing community, but I'm still alone, and there's no one to just hug and cry. I could so use a hug right now, one from someone who doesn't mind if I just burst out in tears and can't stop. I really really want to go home right now. or sleep until I can go home. I couldn't even find the energy to go to class this morning.
So yeah...I just...I needed to SAY things. A lot of people don't understand how a pet can cause such pain.